THE GOD OF THE BIBLE TALKS A LOT OF SHIT!!!

I read the bible on a regular basis. The book only reinforces my deduction that "God" is a mythological character, but he is one hell of an actor. Or he has talented screen writers. We will soon learn if Trump is as crazy as the Almighty as the latter likes to portray himself. 

I relish reading the major prophets through whom God speaks. He has not changed since Genesis when he drowned millions with the Great Flood. Ezequiel is particularly startling. Besides the Jews whom he has already killed 20,000 in one of his temper tantrums during the time of Moses, God is threatening all the tribes, cities and nations that exist in the Middle East with total destruction a la Sodom and Gomorrah. 

He rants and raves against humanity because they refuse to worship him. When they do, he isn't satisfied with their sacrifices. He accuses them of not throwing the best cuts of meat on the grills. 

I believe the bible should be taught in the schools, but not a bowdlerized version that edits out God's bloodthirsty predilections and words like fornication, sodomy, incest, masturbation, circumcision and other adult vocabulary. I can hear little Johnny asking Miss Lee, who later died of a hysterectomy, "What does adultery mean?" And to think that poor Miss Lee wasn't getting any, either. 

I'm also sure students would find the many murders and rampant sex highly entertaining. It doesn't take much intelligence to determine that God makes Trump look like an amateur despite all the wannabe tyrant's language and antics. 

Among the many tidbits in Ezequiel that rate a chuckle, I particularly find God's death sentence for a man who has sex with his menstruating wife on the Sabbath both harsh and hilarious. Men relish leaving it in on those sanguine days without the fear of a pregnancy if the couple is relying on the man remaining true to his word that he's going to ejaculate on her stomach. 

The bible is replete with curious incidents like this. Since I'm an agnostic but an atheist in regards to the god of the bible, I am going to be delivering secular sermons from now until my final breath. If I suddenly drop dead and the evangelicals assert that God is punishing me for blasphemy, I would beg to differ. I haven't been feeling well lately and as I near my 75th year and I am on a downward trajectory. 

The bible is a fount of inspiration that doesn't end after forty days and nights.. Here is one of the many gems that are waiting to be mined by satirical and cynical me. 

Why aren't doves extinct? When Noah loaded the ark, God told him to bring two of each species of animals and birds and insects for all I know. I assume the fish prospered during the deluge in the wake of earth becoming a huge ocean. After the rains stopped, Moses would squint peering into the horizon in search of land. He failed to spot anything in the distance. 

After a period of time, Noah grew impatient. He took one of the doves and set it free. It returned a few days later. Another week passed and Noah sent the dove on a second mission. This time the bird returned with an olive leaf. Noah was delighted. He recognized that the waters were receding. A week later Noah summoned his dove and off it flew to never return again. 

Noah couldn't believe his good luck. Land was near. But was the female dove delighted with the news? (We surmise Noah chose the male dove because it was a man's job that Noah had commissioned and women were indubitably second-class citizens in those ancient times.) Though her mate was probably alive somewhere in the vast expanses of the world jacking off, the female dove effectively felt like a widow. 

The jays had a reputation for infidelity, but the female dove would have never nestled under the feathers of a horny blue jay. Since there were no fowl good enough for her, even though a rooster showed a passing interest as cocks have been known to crow when the hens are sitting on their eggs, the dove was left childless. Therefore, doves should not exist. 

The bible's secret attraction, as well as God's, are the scores of inconsistencies. If God were on the witness stand, the prosecution would nail him for more lies than Trump if the soon-to-be dictator were ever brought to justice. 

My next sermon will focus on Satan exploiting God's vanity in a bet that cost Job everything including his wife and children. But then again Job was such a blind believer that he would have voted for Trump despite all the physical and mental turmoil he had suffered victimized by a jealous God who wanted to prove a point to the devious devil. 

At The McHale Report I am dedicating all these anecdotes to Mayra Flores who continues to make a fool out of God by exploiting his name in her diabolical calling as a grifter.