TRUMP'S HAT

Ever since I put that jackass's hat on, not only have our country and our planet suffered as a result of Presidente Pendejo, my health has suffered dramatically too. I hope there will be time for more humor later.

I have not felt well for a long time, but my body has stopped whispering to me and is now screaming at me. I thought I was having a stroke Sunday night because I had almost every symptom.
My oldest son Carlos took me to the hospital immediately. I told mi Carlitos, or as his padrino Joe Perez used to call him, "Curly Toes," wouldn't it be ironic if I died in the same hospital in which he was born. He returned a grim smile and I remembered my own father's disgusted words at the dinner table many, many decades ago, "If that's humor, I'm sick!"
I kept thinking that retired Dr. Lorenzo Pelly, my longtime friend and physician, would walk through the door and say, "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
"Give me the good news."
'You're alive."
"Okay. And the bad news?"
"You have stage 4 cancer."
"What???"
"I'm sorry, but you have stage four cancer deep in your brain that cannot be surgically excised?"
"God damn fucking Trump!!!"
After a pregnant silence, he chuckled, "April Fools!!!"
Pinche Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss!
I have had a life-changing experience as a result of this coming face-to-face with my own reality. As my mother famously said, "If you hear that I've died, it wasn't because I wanted to."
On all the tests, and I'm here in mi querido pueblo as this month marks my 50th year in Brownsville, I'm fine. My present problem is that both carotid arteries are 50% clogged. We are going to treat it medically first. A life-style change is immediate.
My drinking days are over. It was time for a change. My goal is to be as healthy as possible because I have all kinds of ideas for writing and music projects that may be exacerbating the dizziness at this moment.
A Buddhist story: A ninety-year-old monk was putting his brush to a canvas for the first time. A young monk stopped at his side and respectfully asked, "Master, what are you doing?"
"I'm learning calligraphy."
"But Master, you are ninety years old. Why?"
"Because when I am a hundred, I want to be the best calligrapher in the world."
The hospital released me Tuesday. I take center stage at El Hueso de Fraile for my usual Thursday opening gig. The poems that follow I have been playing for years. I have been thrown out of a few bars that didn't share my vision.
My students over the many years sang these songs--adapted for a PG audience--which is the reason their pronunciation is melodious. They sound like Californians, the most perfectly accented English in the world.
I am not trying to be overdramatic, but for me I can never resist the temptation of a new piece. I've always succumbed to the thrill of something new. There is a pleasure for me when I write a poem or a story that meets my bar. I am temporarily satisfied.
Estanislao Contreras, the controversial author of Chicano Fuck Songs, told me he had heard a rumor that I might win STIJA's Bobby Wightman-Cervantes award if I continue with the health stories. Bobby W-C is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having had more sicknesses than any person in history.
Wow! It may not be a Nobel or Pulitzer Prize, but it includes a dinner for two on the patio at Dodici in the heart of downtown's French Quarter in a city that once was called the New Orleans of the Rio Grande with former Mayor Trey Mendez serving as the waiter and the Albert Besteiro trio picking Augustin Lara classics in the background.
Kid Lonas, like any competent cornerman, gave me a pat on the back as we exited the hospital and said, "Let's get ready to rumble!!!"

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SHE

She is promiscuous. She cheats on me. She has lost count of the number of lovers. She brags about the guys she has fucked. She lies about the guys she has fucked. She charges me $1000 to fuck her. She says I bore her unlike the others. She prefers her dog to me. She fantasizes about two guys at once. She imagines a man in black raping her. She says multiple partners embody a modern woman. She doesn't believe in protection. She climaxes when a lover ejaculates in her. She recalls she was out of control sexually. She is shocked upon discovering she has a STD. She blames her infection on me.
Read more

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER

SHE: "You need to teach me how and how hard to press your nipples, so that the electricity can flow through your body. I'll learn. The pleasure that it gives you satisfying me is the same pleasure I want to give satisfying you." HE: "You have learned the basics. Nasty talk has always excited me and you seem to be very frank in detailing your past. Dirty stories provide me with a mental pornography. As you have discovered, I'm not kinky sexually. I consider myself more traditional in love-making, but I know how to touch all the bases. I particularly like making a women experience an orgasm while I'm eating her. I like exploring you with with my finger or two fingers in order to make you wider. You have definitely become more accommodating in comparison to the first time. You were extremely tight although I was able to ejaculate. Practice makes perfect and the lubricant has added to furthering our pleasure." SHE: "You complained that I shouldn't p...
Read more

SUMMERTIME

At The McHale Report we don't specialize in breaking news. Therefore, it won't come as a surprise to anyone that it is hot. To those who believe the myth that God worked for six days and then rested on the seventh--BULLSHIT! Even though He resided in the Middle East, the Garden of Eden couldn't escape the insufferable conditions of the region's relentless high temperatures. He knew that his work wasn't done and returned to his shop on the eighth day where he invented air-conditioning. Bears hibernate in the winter because they can't handle the cold. We hibernate during the summer because we can't handle the heat. We seek the cold. More accurately, we couldn't survive without cool houses and cool cars. There is a silver lining. For once agreement exists between Democrats and Republicans. "It's hot," says a Democrat. "You're right," replies the Republican. "It's hot." Estanislao Contreras, the controversial poet of...
Read more