LUZ DE ESTRELLA CURSES A GODLESS GOD

Mami used to say, "Duermo en pagos." I sleep in little payments. I suffer from insomnia, but I take short naps throughout the day. Sometimes I'll drive around downtown Austin and look for homeless people to give them a few dollars. I learned that from Mami. When we used to take her to the doctor, she would tell Papi to drive around. He always knew what she meant.

She would save $1 and $5 bills. After her doctor visits, we would drive and look for homeless people. She would hand them a couple of dollars until she had surrendered all she had saved. Maybe she was hoping for a miracle, but her kindness and generosity became a part of me.

I follow in her footsteps. Not very many people know I do this, but those who do tell me I should stop because they are addicts and alcoholics and could hurt me. I once asked Mami why she did this and she said because we had been blessed and we had more than we needed. She felt she was blessed, even though she was dying.

I was nine years old when Mami died. I did not cry. On the morning of her death, I came to her bedroom and gave her a hug and a kiss. I then went to Papi and embraced him. Inconsolable, he was crying like a baby.

Since I was an only child and, ironically, both my parents had been orphans, Mami had been preparing me for a stark reality although I did not know it at the time. She had been teaching me how to pay the bills, where all the important documents were stored and how to balance our checkbook. She knew what was to occur after she was no longer here.

People thought I was in shock because I would not cry. At the funeral I stood by Papi's side, holding and hugging him as he tried to hold back his tears; he couldn't.

But I wasn't in shock. I was angry. I cursed God the day Mami died. I had prayed and prayed and He did not listen to me. I had seen all the good my parents had done and yet He took them away from me, Papi only a few years later. This "loving" god had left me an orphan at an early age.

Nevertheless, when Mami died, I figured I could still do good without believing in a superior being. But to be perfectly honest, I did cry. But I would only cry when I was alone at night. I did not want Papi to see me cry. And, sadly, I still cry alone at night.

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