HEMLOCK & XANAX

The more we detach ourselves, the less susceptible we are to suffering. The more we attach ourselves to possessions and people, the more woes burden our lives.

I am lucky. I only desire the basics which my apartment provides. I have never been materialistic. I have never felt the need to keep up with the Joneses. I don't have a car. I never have to worry about cutting the lawn or fixing an engine. I have a decent selection of clothes and shoes. I can give the impression attired that I live in a mansion in the country club. Since everything is an illusion for starters, why fight the current?

I love Zen Buddhist philosophy, but I could never be a monk. My attachments to drink, drugs, dames and dining doom me. All four have led to unpleasant outcomes with family and friends. While I'm not instinctively detached from family and friends, personal problems sometimes leave you no other choice but to cut ties. Detachment is your only alternative or you go crazy.

Being alone has its benefits and drawbacks. There is a Buddhist saying that conquering oneself is more difficult than conquering an army of a thousand enemy soldiers. We are responsible for our many failures as greed and lust get the better of us.

Regardless, I've learned to live alone. I miss the warmth of a good woman. I miss my boys who are now adults and are seeking their own way in life. But I don't miss the tension and the anger. I have tranquility.

I pop two milligrams of Xanax and I can feel the serenity slowly rising from my feet much like Socrates describing the hemlock that was slowly poisoning him before it engulfs my entire body. I listen to Mozart and read Whitman.

I cherish these short-lived moments of calm before the demons return. They are waiting patiently on the periphery and ambush me when I least expect them. But I have grown accustomed to the rollercoaster ride. I feel the edge enhances my writing.