ASSHOLES & MOTHERFUCKERS

I called my youngest son who had been tailgating outside the Texas State Bobcats' Stadium Saturday night. If he has one haunting regret, it's no longer playing football for Veterans Memorial. He was a standout athlete and I will never forget those Friday Night Lights watching him perform. He was fast and fearless. They say that many parents suffer from empty nest syndrome when their children stretch their wings and fly away. I suffer from empty Sams Stadium syndrome.

"Did you hear that the Irish Catholics had kicked the shit out of the Assholes and Motherfuckers?"

"Have you been drinking, Dad?"

"No! I'm spending another exciting evening listening to classical music and reading Shakespeare."

"Then what are you ranting about? Assholes and Motherfuckers? What the fuck!"

"Notre Dame just beat the Texas Assholes and Motherfuckers at College Station, 23-13. These Aggies like to swagger around believing they are something special in the SEC, but they can never win the big games. They talk like Trump, but against the Fighting Irish they took it in the rump big time. You must remember that being a Catholic and rooting for Notre Dame is part of your family tradition. These loyalties go back generations."

"But I've never been baptized and you've told me time and time again that there is no such thing as a god nor is there life after death. How can I call myself a Catholic?"

"Because it's your heritage, son. We're like Jews. No matter how far you may wander, you still have roots. Your mother's family is Catholic and like the McHales and Scullys, the majority are atheists. You don't have to believe in God to be a Catholic. You read the Bible for its literary value and not its veracity. But if there is a hell, you will spend eternity in that infernal abyss if you don't support Notre Dame. This is the first question that St. Peter allegedly asks according to the believers when you arrive at the Pearly Gates: "Who was your favorite football team?" If you answer Notre Dame, you are immediately ushered to your own cloud where three virgins are waiting."

"Mother has never said anything about Notre Dame?"

"She's Hispanic, son. They don't have the same traditions that we Irish have. You are the perfect combination of Anglo and Hispanic cultures. The most beautiful women and the most handsome men are a product of this coupling. During the Mexican-American War the Irish deserted the U.S. Army and fought for the Mexicans because they weren't Aggies. They were Catholics who could tell right from wrong because they hadn't been indoctrinated by false prophets who preached that slavery was condoned by Jesus Christ. Look at yourself in the mirror. You're better looking than your old man because your white skin is perfectly tinged with brown."

"I know you went to parochial school. Did the priests and nuns teach you these questionable truths, Pops?"

"Of course they didn't teach us that we lived in a godless world where death ultimately reigns. Instead, Catholicism prepared your mind for the next rung on the ladder when you abandoned these mythological fantasies and confront reality face-to-face."

"I didn't know that A&M was short for Assholes and Motherfuckers.

"Because you have both Anglo and Hispanic blood and because you're a Catholic allied with the Fighting Irish, now you know. Your background has bestowed you with an open mind, which is the first step on the road to wisdom."

"I sure wish we were throwing the football, Pops."

"I miss those memories, but one day you may have a son with whom you can share those blessed and sacred moments."

"I love you, Pops.

"I love you, son."

"By the way, Pops. I'm a little short of cash with all the expenses of a new school year. Can you help me out?"

"How much?"

"Mas o menos $500 if that's not asking too much."

"No problem, son. Make sure you study and don't fucking drink and drive. If you didn't exist, I would have no life. Out of curiosity, who did Texas State play and how did they do?"

"They beat Lamar, 34-27, and they go against UTSA next Saturday."

"Good stuff. Enjoy yourself. You are living the wonder years. Hope to see you soon."

"Bye, Pops."

"Bye, son."

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